'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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