Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize