Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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