I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
