That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
