dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
