I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
