babies were throwing up all over the place
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
