When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I deserve this hangover.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
