OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
