so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
