I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
