My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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