ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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