I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
