so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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