Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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