Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Drunk is a universal language darling
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