I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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