We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
