i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Im part way to drunk.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
