I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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