six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
