I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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