im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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