If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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