when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
