the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
