overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
