you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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