my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
