I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
