I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
