What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
