I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
