I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
