he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
