I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
