i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
