I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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