chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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