i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
