Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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