I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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