You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
