I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
