I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
