hotel room ftw
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
