Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
