so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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