is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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