I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
