1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
