The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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