Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
