how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
