I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
