saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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