Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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