i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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