i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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