Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
