My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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