I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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